I have one more week in Aix to begrudgingly do finals and finish papers. I will spend one day in Geneva, Switzerland before heading to Chamonix to hike for a week in the French Alps. Then I get on one last plane and come home, to America. I have to admit I have been fantasizing about the extreme happiness and sense of belonging I will feel when I see my parents on the other side of customs.
As I write this I am sitting in the square outside the cathedral by 2 Bis Rue du Bon Pasteur. Now and then people come around the corner and see the cathedral. They exclaim "wow!" and point, and smile. It is funny to see people marvel at the things that have now become commonplace to me, the things I have passed by a hundred times over the past few months.
I think back to the very first night I arrived in Aix with my friend Allie almost four months ago. We were sorely jet-lagged and starving. I was constantly on the verge of tears from exhaustion and newly found homesickness. In our hotel lobby we met another IAU student. The three of us decided to go explore our new city despite the cold. The streets were dark and silent. There were no leaves on the trees. Everything felt foreign; the street signs, the license plates, the smell in the air. I felt lost in spirit and location, but excited to start a journey.
Now that I have reached the end of my journey, I realize that I never really had a destination. So although I know exactly where I am today, I still feel lost. I am not who I was when I left, but I am not sure who the person is that will be coming back.
There are definite characteristics that are different about me. I am more confident when I talk to strangers. I need a haircut. I can navigate any subway system no matter the language. My speech has become speckled with French phrases like "dac-o-dac" (okie dokie), "c'est pas grave" (it's no big deal) and "zut!" (drat). Although I still have to perfect my grammar a little bit more to truly be fluent in French, I have certainty mastered "franglais."
The emotional and mental changes will take a little bit more time to make sense out of. It is a bit hard to synthesize how I feel when I go through so many emotions in the span of a few hours; fear, happiness, anxiety, strength, despair, excitement.
Although this has been one of the most amazing experiences in my life, it has also been the hardest. I have had to fend for myself for four months in a foreign land, in a foreign language. I have had creepy strangers hit on me, missed trains, picked up a stomach virus, lost money I will never get back and found false friends. All of this was while my support systems, aka my mom and boyfriend, and everything that has ever comforted me was across the ocean. From column to column my attitude towards my life here has been high and low. I have loved my life here, but I am ready to return home.
I keep thinking of a quote by T.S. Eliot, "We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time."
It is true that as much as I have learned about other cultures and people, I have learned about myself. When I see my parents and Bryan again and I slip back into the patterns of my former life, I will be just a little bit stronger. I will be more assertive. I will be better with being alone. I will have a better sense of direction, both on the road and with struggle in life. I will truly appreciate my home not for the things in it, but the identity I associate with it.
So next weekend I will cry when I say goodbye to Joelle and leave Aix. The next day I will have my breath knocked out by the beauty of the Alps. Then I will feel anxious waiting for my plane. May 25th when the car delicately turns up the driveway, I will say a part of a nursery rhyme I always say when I get home from Towson, "Home again home again, jiggity jog." With that I will end this portion of my journey.
To anyone who read any of my columns these past few months, thank you. I hope you all find your own adventures that make you smile, sob, explore, doubt yourself, dance until dawn and marvel at life.