It has been two weeks said I said "au revoir" to France and three weeks since I was in Aix. As I sit on the couch in Maryland I am trying to make sense of what happened in the past four months. I lived in a foreign country. I climbed the alps. I traveled all over Europe without any huge problems and met so many amazing people. But now I am back.
It is amazing how easily I was able to slip back into feeling like my old self. When I grabbed my old car keys and cell phone the night I landed in Philly, they felt like old familiar friends. Yet the things that at one point were so familiar felt a little odd, like trying to fit back into clothes long ago outgrown. It is true what they say in orientation; the people and places back home will not change, but you will.
There is a mental and emotional distinction that I have begun to make between life before and after studying abroad. The truth is, however, that as much as I loved life in France, I never truly felt that I made a second life there. France was the place where I become more cultured, aware of all the different people that exist in the world. It was the place I learned more about my own American identity through the stereotypes of others. It was the place where I dined on amazing food and made friends with some of the locals. Despite all of this however, I make a distinction between a place that created me and a place that altered me. France changed me, but it did not redefine me. I became a stronger and smarter traveler, I have a lot more confidence with French and I respect and understand different cultures more. But, in the end, I was happy to come back home.
At the gate when I saw the familiar faces of my parents emerge out of a sea of strangers, for the first time in my life I felt an overwhelming sense of belonging. I was not the stranger or the alien anymore. I did not have to hide my emotions in the name of cultural correctness. I could feel safe and surrounded by love again.
A part of me wonders what I did wrong, why I did not feel a deep sorrow when I left France like all the other IAU students around me. I did everything they said we should do in orientation; I got to know and love my host mother; I went out and made friends with locals; I spoke French as much as possible; I actively sought adventure whenever possible; I put myself out there as much as my introverted nature would allow me to. But towards the end of my semester I just felt numb. I did not cry when I had to say goodbye, only when I thought of how much I wanted to go home.
Don't get me wrong, I loved the program, the professors and the excursions. I have no complaints about IAU whatsoever. I just think on a personal level I was more attached to the people at home than the people in France. So in the end, there is one lesson France helped me learn. France was beautiful, full of succulent tastes and smells. It was a paradise from the lavender fields of Provence to the grand boulevards of Paris. There was so much history everywhere that filled my mind with the breadth of the human experience. But after all the traveling, wine tasting and French speaking, there was a part of me that just wanted something familiar. France taught me that although there are amazing aspects all over the world, nothing can compare to home. Although I enjoyed my time and had amazing experiences for three months, by the end I was overcome by homesickness and exhaustion. My host Mom was the most kind and caring woman I could ever have been paired with, but she just is not my Mom.
I think in my case it was emotions that my time in France. I never realized how much of an emotional, introspective person I am until I suddenly did not have any of my coping mechanisms or loved ones to vent to. I learned my weaknesses as much as I learned my strength.
I wanted to offer this perspective because it is one that many other people at IAU started to feel towards the end of the semester. In the weeks leading up to finals everyone either wanted to go home or stay in France. I do not think there is anything wrong with being part of the former. Though I now have a small French identity I know that where I am now in my life is truly where I belong. Therefore, I am thankful for France. It one of the most beautiful countries in the world with some of the kindest people in the world. I feel like I have had fifteen years worth of life experience in the past four months. So although now I am happy to be back with friends who truly accept me in all my dorkyness, the moments I had with the few friends I made at IAU will be some of my favorite memoires.
So despite what my Facebook pictures would suggest, studying abroad was not just a drawn out European vacation. It was a time in my life when I was my most vulnerable and emotional. I wanted to step out and seize the day as much as I wanted to recoil and snuggle in bed. Studying abroad made me see and feel incredible things. It was an exercise in patience, tolerance and adaption. Donc, studying abroad is the study of living, not just in the outside world of culture, but the inside world of identity as well.
It is amazing how easily I was able to slip back into feeling like my old self. When I grabbed my old car keys and cell phone the night I landed in Philly, they felt like old familiar friends. Yet the things that at one point were so familiar felt a little odd, like trying to fit back into clothes long ago outgrown. It is true what they say in orientation; the people and places back home will not change, but you will.
There is a mental and emotional distinction that I have begun to make between life before and after studying abroad. The truth is, however, that as much as I loved life in France, I never truly felt that I made a second life there. France was the place where I become more cultured, aware of all the different people that exist in the world. It was the place I learned more about my own American identity through the stereotypes of others. It was the place where I dined on amazing food and made friends with some of the locals. Despite all of this however, I make a distinction between a place that created me and a place that altered me. France changed me, but it did not redefine me. I became a stronger and smarter traveler, I have a lot more confidence with French and I respect and understand different cultures more. But, in the end, I was happy to come back home.
At the gate when I saw the familiar faces of my parents emerge out of a sea of strangers, for the first time in my life I felt an overwhelming sense of belonging. I was not the stranger or the alien anymore. I did not have to hide my emotions in the name of cultural correctness. I could feel safe and surrounded by love again.
A part of me wonders what I did wrong, why I did not feel a deep sorrow when I left France like all the other IAU students around me. I did everything they said we should do in orientation; I got to know and love my host mother; I went out and made friends with locals; I spoke French as much as possible; I actively sought adventure whenever possible; I put myself out there as much as my introverted nature would allow me to. But towards the end of my semester I just felt numb. I did not cry when I had to say goodbye, only when I thought of how much I wanted to go home.
Don't get me wrong, I loved the program, the professors and the excursions. I have no complaints about IAU whatsoever. I just think on a personal level I was more attached to the people at home than the people in France. So in the end, there is one lesson France helped me learn. France was beautiful, full of succulent tastes and smells. It was a paradise from the lavender fields of Provence to the grand boulevards of Paris. There was so much history everywhere that filled my mind with the breadth of the human experience. But after all the traveling, wine tasting and French speaking, there was a part of me that just wanted something familiar. France taught me that although there are amazing aspects all over the world, nothing can compare to home. Although I enjoyed my time and had amazing experiences for three months, by the end I was overcome by homesickness and exhaustion. My host Mom was the most kind and caring woman I could ever have been paired with, but she just is not my Mom.
I think in my case it was emotions that my time in France. I never realized how much of an emotional, introspective person I am until I suddenly did not have any of my coping mechanisms or loved ones to vent to. I learned my weaknesses as much as I learned my strength.
I wanted to offer this perspective because it is one that many other people at IAU started to feel towards the end of the semester. In the weeks leading up to finals everyone either wanted to go home or stay in France. I do not think there is anything wrong with being part of the former. Though I now have a small French identity I know that where I am now in my life is truly where I belong. Therefore, I am thankful for France. It one of the most beautiful countries in the world with some of the kindest people in the world. I feel like I have had fifteen years worth of life experience in the past four months. So although now I am happy to be back with friends who truly accept me in all my dorkyness, the moments I had with the few friends I made at IAU will be some of my favorite memoires.
So despite what my Facebook pictures would suggest, studying abroad was not just a drawn out European vacation. It was a time in my life when I was my most vulnerable and emotional. I wanted to step out and seize the day as much as I wanted to recoil and snuggle in bed. Studying abroad made me see and feel incredible things. It was an exercise in patience, tolerance and adaption. Donc, studying abroad is the study of living, not just in the outside world of culture, but the inside world of identity as well.